A New Door Opens

But Could I Walk Through it?

At the end of 2001 I had become acquainted with a really great record producer and we naturally hit it off, like old friends. We remain friends today. He had worked with some bands that I had liked in the 1990’s, most notable is probably The Breeders "Last Splash" album, which whether you know it or not, you have probably heard – at least the opening track "Cannonball"

By April 2002 I had become quite bitter and cynical about a lot of things. I had what I now refer to as "The World is S**t and you can’t convince me otherwise" syndrome. Of course with that attitude the world really is S**t and so you feel justified in perpetuating your miserable experience, not realizing that it is only getting worse every time you repeat your self-destructive mantra. Fortunately, although unbeknown to me at the time, my guardian angel or, you could say my connected self was steering me back on track and my inspiring new friend introduced me to a program that sounded to me like it was a kind of group therapy type of thing, but it just sounded like something that I needed. I obviously had a sub-conscious desire to break down all the negativity and bitterness that had begun to crust up around me, shutting me off from happiness, people and success. I am so very grateful that one man gave me a gift, rather than running in the opposite direction when faced with my attitude!

This program I attended was called ‘Being in Action’, which nowadays is called ‘iEvolve’ in London. It was not what I was expecting and after an initial reaction of shock about the topic of discussion I was experiencing a sensation of true transformation. This is not simply a good feeling, it is something that I cannot even begin to put into words because that just won’t make it any more easy to understand. It’s like explaining to someone who has never eaten an apple what an apple tastes like in the most explicit detail you can. They can then say they know what it tastes like, but that will still never give them the experience of what it tastes like until they actually eat one and therefore the knowledge of what an apple tastes like is pretty useless.

All I can say is that it blew open doors that had been locked to me in the past and gave rise to an awareness in me of such possibility that it was impossible to ever go back to the way I was before, even though I went close to having that door closed again. It made me realize that life is a work in progress. There is never a finish line and never a time when you can sit back and say "OK now I can switch off", there is always responsibility to accept for something, even if it doesn’t seem that way.

I wrestled and grappled with conflicting thoughts and feelings for several years after that, even at times wishing I had never been awakened to this profound experience, instead staying asleep. The old saying that ignorance is bliss. Well actually now I say ‘NO’. Ignorance is not bliss, it is ignorance! Not good, not bad, just what it is. Bliss is something you create by being awake in the moment and breathing in what life is for you in that moment because that is who you truly are and the more "now’s" that you can be awake to, the more blissful your life will be whatever is going on around you.

So without detailing everything I went through since 2002, let me summarize by saying I had an awakening to myself. Some of that was truly inspiring and uplifting and some of it was hard to accept as my own, but I learned some things that will never be forgotten and probably my most empowering lesson is not to rely on hope. There is no hope. Hope is a denial of your responsibility to create, instead leaving it to something outside of you to make things happen for you, so you have something to blame if it doesn’t happen. Being optimistic is great of course, but leaving all your possibilities at the mercy of hope is a recipe for disappointment. I do all I can every day to replace hope with intent and accept that I am responsible for what occurs.

This story is coming to a point where what happened started to demonstrate to me the cycle and flow of life in a wheel like fashion as opposed to a straight line of time. There really is more to this universe than meets the eye.

Tagged as: all in a lifes work, intent, story